The Real Trouble with Elder care

The Trouble With Elder Care.

We all have so many complaints about Elder care. If mom, Dad, grandma, Grandpa, uncle Joe, aunt Eloise are not in a facility, then we are complaining about family abuse and neglect or outright thievery. If they are in a facility then we are complaining about the bruising, the black eyes, the bed sores, the wet bedclothes and garments, the bad conditions etc, etc. 

Oh, so many of these complaints are legitimate and should in fact be addressed. But, so many more are a product of misunderstanding, bad choices and just plain misinformation. 

Ohh I bet you are getting irate. Let me explain before you dismiss my post as a crazy old lady writing nonsense.  Albeit, it did get your attention. Now, that we have that attention , let’s explain the difference of the two. 

Family abuse is in fact a crime, and it goes on everyday in this country. Sometimes even after an Elder is in a facility. Scary fact I know.

Often in a family it does not start out as greed at all. ( sometimes is does but not always) Usually it starts out with one person having to be the caregiver and the go-fer, as well as the scapegoat. We all know that in most families ( notice I state most not all ) there seems to be one sibling, cousin. grandchild or whomever who will take care of the Elder, seems to care, maybe lives closer and perhaps has more free time. Somehow it just makes sense that person be the one to tend to the Elder the most of the time which can turn into all of the time fairy easily. The rest of the family somehow senses relief that person is there and so available. Without really planning it or by design the family slides back into the comfort of their own everyday lives and neglect to visit the Elder or maybe see if cousin caregiver needs anything or maybe even a helping hand.

You see we as humans become creatures of habit and it just becomes so easy to let someone else do it all. After all they don’t have a job, or young children or a business to run , nor soccer games or football games, dance lessons etc. Their life is just not as important or busy as ours. So we slide into that comfort zone of knowing Grandma is being well taken care of and we can visit at leisure or not. Are we hateful? No, not really at least not on purpose. Are we taking advantage? You betcha! Not on purpose but sub conscientiously we certainly are! Because in the back if our mind we believe their life is not as important as ours and we are actually doing them a favor by making them feel important, and for free! I know this just does not set well with many of you but examine your own conscience.  Have you tried to help?  Yea, you just don’t want to interfere right?  That’s what I thought.

Now all of this goes on for sometime, a year, two years. Perhaps cousin Betty is widowed or divorced or never been married and she can move in with our loved one.  How wonderful! She gets free rent for being the chief cook and bottle washer, nurse, maid and errand girl with no pay!  Wow the family hit pay dirt they have the Elder cared for by one of their own and the family Cinderella also has a place to live. This family is helping 2 members. Aren’t they just so generous.  

That is until Cinderella figures this whole thing out! The family not only does not care for the Elder but not for the caregiver either! All they really have is each other. Now this is not always the case but usually it is in one form or another.  

About this time the caregiver starts to ask the Elder for some things she may need or want. The Elder is happy to give because after all this person is always here for them! Pretty soon grandma gives cousin Betty blank checks or a debit card. Here is where it gets crazy.

Cousin Betty  realizes she deserves some pay and starts making purchases upwards to equal a salary each week.

The family, now who maintained copies of all bank accounts and finances, starts noticing  the caregiver is spending money.  Oh No!! This can not be going on. How dare she spend grandma’s money! After all she gets a roof over her head for being there.  The family now has a show down with the Elder and the Elder says she gave her blank checks, money, a debit card or whatever. The family tells the Elder that cousin Betty is stealing from her. But, the Elder will not prosecute. she gives to her granddaughter and it is her decision. The family determines the Elder is getting dementia and decide to get power of attorney which they do immediately.  Their next step is to put the Elder in a facility and sell off all her assets after they divide up all the small possessions such as cars, jewelry, the china, silver and some antiques.. After all they want to safeguard their inheritance.

Lo and behold. The facility costs a whole lot more than the Elder gets in income each month so now the Real  Estate assets are being used for the Elder’s care. 

Meanwhile poor cousin Betty does not think the family should treat the Elder this way and complains to the division of aging. Wonderful! Now the authorities step in and conserve the Elder and use all her assets for her care until they are gone then the Elder gets Medicaid and eventually dies from being in a poorly run facility, where she could have no family member visit her and this contributes to shortening her life as well. 

Now the family wants to sue the facility, the guardian , the county etc. etc.

Their own greed helped to cause an early demise to their loved one. These cases never reach trial. That lousy 100 to 150 dollars per week just made them crazy! was it all worth it? That Elder was happily living in her own home. Aging in place with her familiar possessions and enjoying the company of her own grandchild daily while getting excellent care. Now here is the real kicker. The grand daughter was only spending money on things she could enjoy with her grandma, like yarn to knit or a pie they both liked or some lavender scent for the laundry. How sad greed does this to families.  This is only one case I personally know about.

"It's Only Stuff."

It’s Only Stuff. But, It’s Their Stuff.

Once we get older and our families are grown we sometimes look around and wonder how we gathered so many possessions! Things we will never use again and may never have a need for again! But, one never knows for sure and after all those things don’t eat!

The things we become so attached to and cannot bear to part with have such meaning to us. It can be a very emotional moment when we lose something that we just know we had! We hate to think any one item has found it’s way out of our possession. After all, it has a deep purpose to us.

Our grown children ( and other relatives) often ask us exactly what that purpose could possibly be. This is a good point which we should explore.That particular item may represent a time in our career when we lacked that tool or  item and  to us it represents climbing to success and acquiring that tool or item.  Still another meaning may be symbolic of a time in our life when we could not even dream of owning that particular item, because perhaps we had humble beginnings or a very rough childhood. Still other items may represent our own meaning of luxury; I really don’t need it, but I have it if I ever want it!   Still another meaning may be this is where I was in life when I acquired that or this is what happened in my life and I bought that.

Milestones and memories can all be symbolized by our “stuff” .So liquidating our precious belongings can be like dissolving the meaning of our life. I once had a conversation with someone, discussing his consideration of moving to another state. He shared that he had so much stuff it would take ten moving vans to move it all. I suggested he eliminate and his answer was direct and to the point. He said ” I can’t do that it took me all my life to get it all!” A point well made and well taken.

Simply, it was ” his stuff”. He should not have to eliminate if he chooses not to do so. In our golden years we are so often put in a position to give up all of “our stuff”. When that happens it may have a drastic effect. Many times people give up when they are forced into that position. 

I remember my own dear mother who hated to give up her belongings, so, we moved them all. Piles of magazines, piles of newspapers, balls of string and aluminum foil, boxes of buttons and odd dishes and glass ware that matched nothing. When her two grandsons went and helped her move every little thing she cherished, she was mentally and emotionally ready to move to another state for good. We put it all in storage and would go get whatever she wanted to look at, upon demand. Sometimes I would take her to the storage unit just to see that all her treasures were in fact intact.  This seemed to help her accept she was growing older. We took all her stray photos and organized them into memory books which she later looked at daily after she was stricken with a mild form of dementia due to strokes. i have never regretted doing any of these things.

Seniors having their “stuff” whether it be from Cabbage Patch dolls in the attic and kitchen gadgets in the cupboards to textbooks in the basement, or nuts and bolts and car parts in the garage, to five  kinds of lawn mowers in the out building, need all these things. You see, it is not things, it represents their lives, and yes it is only “stuff” but, it is “Their Stuff”

 

Welcome

This  Blog was established to help answer the many questions, families and friends have when Elder Abuse occurs.

The whys, the hows and most importantly  the reasoning behind abuse seemingly being ignored are questions which linger in the minds of loved ones.  These questions go unanswered and make us start to believe there is no law to protect the Elderly!. These issues leave a very bitter taste in the mouths and minds of so many Americans today.  We are led to believe no one can do anything about it and certainly no one seems to be able to stop it.

This issue becomes  the number one reason many older Americans are fearful and just plain scared of growing older in this country. Really, how can anyone blame them. There are so many unanswered questions, so many incidents of abuse and death. What choices does this leave for Older Americans?  This dilemma is growing daily.  When speaking to any Elder they will tell you, “that is just how it is”. What is worse the families will have responses along those very same lines !  

Are we to believe entering a facility is in fact the beginning of the end? I certainly hope that is not the case.

As a retired investigator of elder abuse and neglect along with wrongful death, I can tell you there are indeed answers, there are solutions and there are ways to curtail this horrible behavior. But it lies on us the Elders and our families to want to get involved and stop it. 

Within this Blog I will share information that can help prevent this facility abuse, family abuse etc.  I do warn you in advance it is not pretty, not nice, and it certainly will make many not want to believe what I tell them. 

The choice will be yours and I sincerely hope you will take my advice and tidbits, and apply them to help keep your loved ones safe.

All About This Blog

This blog will serve to share news, knowledge, awareness and solutions to Elders all over the United States.

As a retired, wrongful death/ Elder abuse, investigator the willingness to share all my knowledge and discoveries pulled me back out of retirement.

This investigator has seen it all, heard it all and watched it all!

If you shock easily, stop here, Read no further! Because most of what I will share will make you sick, make you want to cry and even make you screaming mad!

The elder care industry is mostly comprised of retirement facilities, assistant living, and residential care. These types of Elder care are not in the families' or Elder's control as in home care would be and is. Most of you already know I advocate for in home care or " Aging in place". Anything else in my opinion is putting your life in someone else's hands.

You will read some very troubling facts. You will not believe or want to believe many of these facts. However, I wager you to prove me wrong! That is a fairly strong statement and I can back up my facts with documentation!
Yes, I am going to tell all!
I will also share solutions and explain why they work.
So hang on it will be a "hell of a ride"!